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Added more to the story.

Quinn, please, get rid of the unsufferable priestess, please! And while you're at it, get rid of William, take Forodin and conquer the world!

Jokes aside, I can't stand her. Seriously. Quinn, get ride of her, please!

Err... What was I saying? Oh yes, I can't stand the woman. And she has a very bad influence over William, constantly blabbering about her Maker. We should introduce her to Sten. He will have something meaningful to say to her, something like "No."

AndreaDraco wrote:Quinn, please, get rid of the unsufferable priestess, please! And while you're at it, get rid of William, take Forodin and conquer the world!
Jokes aside, I can't stand her. Seriously. Quinn, get ride of her, please!
Err... What was I saying? Oh yes, I can't stand the woman. And she has a very bad influence over William, constantly blabbering about her Maker. We should introduce her to Sten. He will have something meaningful to say to her, something like "No."

So uh. Tell me how you um really feel about her.

I think I just found my hook for keeping her in the story as she just wrote herself today. Her attraction to William will be the hook that keeps her in the story, as well as her desire (because of said attraction) to try and "save" William.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm fine with her being in the story, and if you find a good hook, you should definitely use it...

... but can I keep hating her, right?

AndreaDraco wrote:Don't misunderstand me, I'm fine with her being in the story, and if you find a good hook, you should definitely use it...

... but can I keep hating her, right?

There is nothing wrong with hating a character!

As long, as a writer, I am making it so you hate her because of her being well written, rather than hating her because she seems pointless.

Sort of like Loghain - (not that she's on the level of such development, by the gods!) - but he was someone I hated. But I hated him because he was written so well and hating him was easy!

Yes, don't worry... I'm hating her bigot a** for all the right reasons!

AndreaDraco wrote:Yes, don't worry... I'm hating her bigot a** for all the right reasons!

Oh! Good then! I am doing it right!

And yet more added.

The chant is yours or is it the Chant of Light proper? Anyway, the verses are really good. Certainly, I can't stand them, but they're good nonetheless.

AndreaDraco wrote:The chant is yours or is it the Chant of Light proper? Anyway, the verses are really good. Certainly, I can't stand them, but they're good nonetheless.

They're proper chants. Dragon Age Wiki for the win.

Probably one of the longer additions to date.

Darn it! I was waiting for it but right now I'm way too tired - it's been a hectic day today -, but now I know I'll have something good to read in the morning!

AndreaDraco wrote:Darn it! I was waiting for it but right now I'm way too tired - it's been a hectic day today -, but now I know I'll have something good to read in the morning!

I hope you enjoy it! Sleep well!
Sorry about the hectic day.

I read it, and I have a lot of things to say.

First of all, you may have done it on purpose, but I think that Bann Teghan is too much similar a name to Bann Teagan, and this similarity originally confunded me. I even searched the wikia to see if Teagan had another brother named Orlen, before realizing that the village was way too far from Redcliffe for the two of them to be the same. It's certainly a minor quibble, sure, but a more different name should avoid this confusion altogether.

As for Berick, while his similarity with Zevran is striking (and utterly intended, I'm sure), the description of his work is more aking to a bard than an assassin. This is of course based on the assumption that every assassin guild works like the Antivan Crows, which may be completely wrong, but when you'll read The Stolen Throne, you'll have a chance to see a bard in action and what Berick does - seducing someone to discover his well-concealed secrets and then exposing them - is exactly what the Orlesian bards tend to do. This is just a suggestion, of course, and if Berick must be a Rivaini assassin for your story, that's fine, but I think you should ponder about making him a bard, which seems to me more fitting.

Another thing about Berick is that his way of talking is perhaps too much similar to Zevran. I think that you intended to do so, and maybe in the following chapters, once he drops his work mask, so to speak, we'll see the differencies, but, in this chapter, his sentences just after his attempted execution, stuck me as too similar to Zev's. This one for example: “It was a pleasure, no? Perhaps we can do this again? I’d like that.” This is almost exactly what Zevran says about being tied up by the Warden and enjoying it. Agai, as I said, this is probably a mask, and I have no doubt that they will end up being two totally different characters, but, for now, Berick seems a little copy of our Antivan Crow.

And now, about the story: I adored this chapter. I love mysteries and Noir, everything between Agatha Christie and Raymond Chandler, and this peculiar whodunit (we know that Teghan committed suicide, but we don't know who wanted him to do so) is incredibly fun! I doubt that the Chantry priest could be the answer - otherwise Berick would have remembered her voice - but the whole affair has a lot of potential and I can't wait to see where it's going. And yes, I'll even admit that I'm curious to see if Nevah will leave the Chantry to go with William.

Best sentence of the chapter: “For once,” Quinn said with a wry smile, “I agree with Navah. The Elf is an assassin. But then, if it further bothers her, I’m all for bringing him along.”

Quinn is the best!

AndreaDraco wrote: I read it, and I have a lot of things to say.

Let's hear it! Or read it, anyway...

AndreaDraco wrote: First of all, you may have done it on purpose, but I think that Bann Teghan is too much similar a name to Bann Teagan, and this similarity originally confunded me. I even searched the wikia to see if Teagan had another brother named Orlen, before realizing that the village was way too far from Redcliffe for the two of them to be the same. It's certainly a minor quibble, sure, but a more different name should avoid this confusion altogether.

Son of a Mabari! No, that wasn't intentional! The name I used (Teghan) was most definitely not intented to sound like Teagan. (How funny that they're both Bann titles too!) It was actually a reference to a character a friend of mine writes on a STAR WARS story we have going (over here) and her character name there is: "Taegar" - so I wanted something similar. Amazing that Teagan is so close to her character name (as she came up with Teagar long before Dragon Age!)

Son of a... I can definitely see the confusion and totally forgot about Bann Teagan... I will change his name in the story! I already have a suitable change...

AndreaDraco wrote: As for Berick, while his similarity with Zevran is striking (and utterly intended, I'm sure), the description of his work is more aking to a bard than an assassin. This is of course based on the assumption that every assassin guild works like the Antivan Crows, which may be completely wrong, but when you'll read The Stolen Throne, you'll have a chance to see a bard in action and what Berick does - seducing someone to discover his well-concealed secrets and then exposing them - is exactly what the Orlesian bards tend to do. This is just a suggestion, of course, and if Berick must be a Rivaini assassin for your story, that's fine, but I think you should ponder about making him a bard, which seems to me more fitting.

Interesting. Just when you think you come up with a new idea for an existing world... I basically took the idea of Zev's ability to seduce (and potentially making him one of the Crow's best assassins) and made an assassination guild that specialized in seduction and politics. (Because you had mentioned previously your love of politics, so I thought I'd make a character that's hand their hand in politics - to some degree).

And I made him from Rivain because it's not very developed story wise and I wouldn't have to worry about contradicting anything that might already be fleshed out. I knew the Orlesian information was already pretty well defined, and not having read the books (yet) - I knew I had the potential of making a statement that would directly conflict with something the books may have already defined.

(The Dragon Age wiki, after all, can only tell me so much!)

AndreaDraco wrote: Another thing about Berick is that his way of talking is perhaps too much similar to Zevran. I think that you intended to do so, and maybe in the following chapters, once he drops his work mask, so to speak, we'll see the differencies, but, in this chapter, his sentences just after his attempted execution, stuck me as too similar to Zev's. This one for example: “It was a pleasure, no? Perhaps we can do this again? I’d like that.” This is almost exactly what Zevran says about being tied up by the Warden and enjoying it. Agai, as I said, this is probably a mask, and I have no doubt that they will end up being two totally different characters, but, for now, Berick seems a little copy of our Antivan Crow.

When does the Warden tie up Zev?
I basically wanted someone who was like Puss'N'Boots, so to speak.
I have William, the guy who wants to do right.
I have Quinn, the guy who accepts the demons he's dealt with.
I have Navah, the religious fanatic.
I wanted another character to be flight, carefree, etc with his dialogue. "What? 10 to 1 odds? Against us you say? Should we let them get reinforcements?" kind of dialogue.

AndreaDraco wrote: And now, about the story: I adored this chapter. I love mysteries and Noir, everything between Agatha Christie and Raymond Chandler, and this peculiar whodunit (we know that Teghan committed suicide, but we don't know who wanted him to do so) is incredibly fun! I doubt that the Chantry priest could be the answer - otherwise Berick would have remembered her voice - but the whole affair has a lot of potential and I can't wait to see where it's going. And yes, I'll even admit that I'm curious to see if Nevah will leave the Chantry to go with William.

Berik has stated it was a man who hired him so it's clearly not the woman from the Chantry...

AndreaDraco wrote: Best sentence of the chapter: “For once,” Quinn said with a wry smile, “I agree with Navah. The Elf is an assassin. But then, if it further bothers her, I’m all for bringing him along.”
Quinn is the best!

That one good sir, was for you.